Holiday

Hello all! Forgive my absence, I know you have been bereft without me. I could hear the gnashing of teeth and rending of clothes all the way over on Waiheke, where I have been sequestered for the week.

Mrs J has a place on the island, and offered it to Mrs S, who then invited everyone else to "pop by." Mr Smith has been pulling faces at me for the amount of spending I have been doing lately, so it seemed a good idea to travel far from the sweet siren call of mid-Winter sales, and go rural for a while.

It's nice to occasionally live simply, and have to fend for oneself, living off the land. But how one struggles! While there are plenty of places to fill the old nose-bag, there are no decent bars within staggering distance at all! How primitive. One actually had to mix one's own G & T. And the spa-pool was of the meanest proportions, forcing everyone into the closest proximity, which could explain why Mr S’s hand mistakenly ended up on thighs that did not belong to his wife.

Thankfully, Ms W is pregnant (hush! No-one is meant to know!) and did not come, as she has transformed into the Sacred Vessel of Motherhood, and will not spend any time around people who are drinking, as drinking people sometimes smoke, and the faintest whiff of smoke may forever taint the Guaranteed Genius-ness of the Baby Jesus she is bearing.

One had been thinking uncharitable thoughts about the impending Baby Jesus (I do not wish to hear in any detail about what stage of cellular development it is at), but now see there are advantages to it.

If only she were pregnant more often, or had an elephant-like gestation period.

The rest of the company was a mixed bag. Some new people, Mr and Mrs Z - I can't remember their names, so Z (short for Zzzzz) will have to suffice. He stayed a day, then left us to baby-sit his spouse. She was bearable I suppose, if one didn’t mind blood congealing in one’s veins every time one caught sight of her face. He made discreet enquiries as to whether anyone had brought a helicopter, which no-one had – so I suppose this meant he felt safe to do whatever he planned to do without his wife walking in unexpectedly. A special treat for him, perhaps, to have sex without employing the use of a paper-bag over his partner’s head.

The last night there was a good one – at least I imagine so, as I can’t quite remember it. I woke up, fully clothed, but missing a shoe (found later in a bush outside). Someone else, however, woke up fully clothed, but missing their underpants (never found), which might be worrisome, but it was Mrs L, so unsurprising really.

Anyway, back to civilisation now. I need a break from my holiday.