How To Make The Fatties Lose Weight

Have you ever noticed that only poor people are fat? Rich people never are. And if they are, it’s because they:

1. Were born poor


2. Aren’t really rich, and probably don’t even have a decent yacht

In either case, they don’t really count, and my first statement remains an uncontested fact. So there is an easy solution to New Zealand’s obesity problem. Make the poor people rich. I’m not quite sure how to do that, so I do have another possible solution. Exercise.

Now exercise can be horribly dull, so, as my personal trainer used to tell me, you have to cater the plan to the clients interests (I tried to convince him that my interests required him to remove his pants, but apparently he was gay).

Anyway. I have come up with exercise ideas for New Zealand’s fatties, with the aid of a Calorie Calculator (using an estimated weight of 200 pounds). It's amazing what counts as exercise.

1. Poor people like those ugly dogs that are always savaging children, and chewing their owners’ faces off. So, round up the dogs, and starve them for a week. Release fatties and aforementioned dogs into Eden Park. Lock the gates. Watch them all run happily together (1-2 hours): Calories burned: 1,632 - 3,264


2. Attach photos of the fatties children to punching-bags. Let them have their fun (30 minutes): Calories burned: 270


3. Shoplifting at The Warehouse (one hour): Calories burned: 216


4. Rearranging furniture (45 minutes). This one could be tricky. One imagines it wouldn’t take that long to move around a few flea-infested couches: Calories burned: 450

According to the calorie calculator, brushing teeth, showering, reading, and housework all count as exercise, but I have disregarded those options for obvious reasons.