Monday, July 02, 2007

Oral

They live just off Jervois Road, so after sampling a few bars, we went back to their place and continued drinking highly potent bellinis. She is frighteningly smart (a rapid rise up the ladder in a top firm), and quite attractive. Thus we have all wondered how and why she ended up with such a complete loser as G.

He comes from a reasonable sort of family, had a fairly decent education, but has no money - what he did have, he gambled away. G is deeply in debt, which she is helping him "sort out" which transparently means she is paying them off, and she even had to buy her own engagement ring. She also finds suspicious receipts in his pockets, of which she says nothing to him, but tells her best friend, who, naturally, tells us.

What else were we to assume, but that he must be a gold medallist in bed gymnastics, as there could be no other reason she would put up with him. Until I discovered how wrong we were.

Many (many) bellinis later, it was time to go home. We staggered out to the waiting taxis, myself last. G followed. As the others turned a corner, he slipped an arm around my waist, pulled me to him, and proceeded to kiss me.

I have often thought that how a man kisses, generalises to his oral technique for … another location. There needs to be a building of intensity – an initial teasing sweetness that develops (if appropriate and reciprocated) to a Bacchanalian mouth-party.

Note: The etiquette of tongue is that it should wait to be introduced, not rushing forward like a cruise missile before the lips have even met. It gives one rather a fright.

G's technique however, was not entirely dissimilar to what one might expect of a washing-machine. The tongue went straight in, and around and around it went like my teeth were on the spin cycle. I wished I had a load of laundry in there. It was horrid, and I told him so in the sharpest, cut-glass tone possible, pushed him away, and left.

So. No money, no oral technique. Why is she going out with him?

15 comments:

Martha Craig said...

In the closet?

Seamonkey Madness said...

He's more than marginally bigger than two hands and the inside of a toilet roll?

unPC lesbian said...

My thoughts exactly seamonkey, but why live with him and possibly pay his debts when you can get size and stamina for such a small outlay at D'Vice.

Mrs Smith said...

No - he didn't pass the Cactus Kate Toilet Roll Test. I know this, because the tongue wasn't the only thing rushing forward like a cruise missile. Or in this case, a small hand-grenade.

unPC lesbian said...

Did you have a fly swatter handy??

d-man said...

So he's no cunning linguist then?

llew said...

"because the tongue wasn't the only thing rushing forward like a cruise missile"

The relevant response is:

"No thanks, I don't smoke".

mojo said...

After your previous post Mrs Smith, methinks perhaps just a tad of enticement on your behalf?
Like why you? Why were you lingering? Surely not expecting a lingualling? & after all a tongue can only go straight in to an open mouth.
Ah Mrs Smith, we all want or need to feel wanted especially in depressed times ... I would suggest that next time you desire such personal affirmation, don't choose so safely... small of stature, of limited style & in debt just don't cut it.

Mrs Smith said...

Gosh, Mojo. I feel thoroughly psychoanalysed! How exciting.

Oswald Bastable said...

"...and around and around it went like my teeth were on the spin cycle..."

I just snorted beer up my nose!

Drewcifer said...

Llew: No no my dear, I believe the correct response is either: "what? Am isupposed to do with this? floss?!?!?" or "I wish to be f&^ked, not annoyed"

Southern Gent said...

My vote is with Martha, and suggest the fem is still in the closet.

SG

Cactus Kate said...

Agh....a large proportion of very successful and not unattractive women go out with sub-intellectual or inferior men.

Is she a control freak???

Mrs Smith said...

Control freak? Oh yes...

idolfires said...

Many woman get addicted to trying to rescue/help/mother a loser guy.

Perhaps your acquaintances are more the what's-in-it-for-me stereotypes, so you don't have so much experience with rescue-addicts!