Tuesday, December 04, 2007


When I arrived, she answered the door wearing a bikini and a fur jacket. I thought it a brilliant look – like something from a '70s Helmut Newton Vogue shoot, but she had been crying, and her nose was quite red, which ruined the effect.

She had a drink in one hand, and from her effusive greeting, it was clearly not her first. She wasn’t happy – her husband wanted to go to the company Christmas 'do' alone – she had insisted on going, but he had hidden a change of clothes in his car, and not come back to get her.

We went and sat by her lap-pool.

This is my opportunity to say I HATE lap-pools. Yes – I know how very trendy (voice soused in disdain) they are but they look like miserable pools for people who can’t afford or lack sufficient room for a proper one. Don't tell me how much they cost – I don't care. They look cheap.

In my mind, a pool is for splashing about aimlessly in or basking next to – neither of which can be done satisfactorily in something designed for swimming straight lines.

Lap-pools stingily allow nothing but exercise, not relaxation or fun.

Stingy, tomfoolery-free zone

How could one have a cocktail-party around a lap-pool? Drunken tomfoolery, which full-size pools encourage, would be limited to no more than two guests at a time. I suppose one could draw up a roster, or insist that everyone lines up for their tomfoolery in an orderly fashion.

Infinity pools! Another pool type that annoys me. Amazing in the right location where the end of the pool overlooks ocean, which makes the pool look endless – hence the name INFINITY.

Infinity pool - good

Some don’t get the 'infinity' concept at all, and build one with a sordid view of a back lawn.

Infinity pool - fucking useless

In this case the only 'infinity' is the measure of their owners unmoderated doltness. Infinity pools MUST have an unimpeded view of an open body of water or it's NOT A FUCKING INFINITY POOL.

Roar moan wail. I have a hangover. A rant about pools. That is it for today.


Cactus Kate said...

Good God where did the pic come from below?

Since when can you have an infinity pool next to weatherboard? Is it in West Auckland?

You'd also bloody struggle in NZ with the Fencing Act

Mrs Smith said...

I photoshopped it myself as an example of the improbable locations poor infinity pools are placed. "Help help," they scream, "get me outta here."

You are right - there should be a fence at the end to complete the effect.

unPC lesbian said...

Where on earth is that useless pool in the top picture from. Anything less than 25 metres is not a pool, it is a bath full of breeding germs.

I detect you are holding out on us with some of your skills Mrs Smith, not only do you know how to open up the Photoshp software, but also how to USE it

secret geek...secret geek...nyah nyah

Ms Klake said...

Infinity pools creep me out. I have completely unreasonable visions of dropping to ones death over the edge of a massive waterfall.
I do not have this creepy problem with actual waterfalls, but that might be because they are cool and infinity pool's are not.

Mark said...

"Amazing in the right location where the end of the pool overlooks ocean, which makes the pool look endless – hence the name INFINITY."

What if you're looking at it with your back to the ocean? Pretty fuckin' useless then, isn't it?

Yeah, I know, I'm always thinking outside the box. Or thinking about the box...


Cactus Kate said...

When you get in an infinity pool the first thing you want to do is splash as much water out over the side as you can. Perhaps infinity is in reference to the water supply?

Amanda said...

What about those people that buy those blow up pools!!! ewwww.pfo

Cactus Kate said...


The poor people buy these. Don't knock it. For some it is the only bathing they do.

Roll on summer!!!