Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Mother’s Little Helper

or Why I Love Benzylpiperazine

Sign in a Ponsonby Road pub window

The sign (I assume) is meant as a joke, but these days, it’s so hard to tell. While Christmas shopping, I overheard two women talking; one wondered why she couldn’t find any candy-canes. “Who knows,” shrugged the other. “Perhaps they’ve been banned.”

Party pills are next on the nana hit list. It's foolish to want to ban party pills for so many reasons, but I am most concerned for myself. The debated ingredient, BZP, is also in my favourite daily vitamin supplement (read: appetite suppressant), Slimfast.

The combination of Slimfast and alcohol results in a hangover of magnificent proportions the next day, and as drinking absurd amounts of alcohol is my fondest seasonal tradition, it seemed a good idea not to take them for a week. Two boxes of chocolates later (I won’t dare mention what else, I am still in the process of trying to repress the memory), I now quake at the thought of life without Slimfast.

The thought of facing life with an unfettered appetite doesn’t bear thinking about. Without my beloved Slimfast I may have to start eating again, which means getting fat. I may as well buy myself some Holiday cigarettes and a Warehouse polar-fleece track-suit now.

If anything deemed mildly hazardous is to be made illegal, then this should be done consistently, and scientifically. Thus, with regards to the well-being of all New Zealanders, I therefore suggest a ban on all tall natural structures, and hot beverages. They are far more dangerous .

Party Pills: 0 deaths
Fall from cliff: 5 deaths
Contact with other hot fluids: 1 death

If the nanas continue to ban things at this rate, I may have to flee New Zealand, and go live somewhere less totalitarian. Like North Korea. Maybe even Saudi Arabia. I would have to wear a burqa, but at least it would cover up my polar-fleece track-suit and house-engulfing thighs.


Krimsonlake said...

Drowning and submersion while in natural water: 28 deaths.

Obviously the only solution to this horrendous problem is to ban water!

Golf said...

Slim-Fast here is one of those dieter's protein shakes, which I cannot abide for the simple fact that they advertise the diet as follows: Have a shake for breakfast, another for lunch, then a sensible dinner.

I don't mind a shake for lunch, but I want a burger and French fries with it.

(Thank you for viscountessing me, by the way - I just spotted that. I feel very important.)

Mrs Smith said...

I'd agree with you, Miss Krimson, except one does need something to put yachts on. Although I'll admit, that the ocean is my least favourite part of the whole sailing lark.

In NZ, Slimfast is no horrid shake, Golfwidow. It is a lovely pill stuffed with BZP (illegal in the USA). Not only does it suppress appetite, but it gives one loads of energy. I doubt I'd ever get out of bed without it. (BTW - you are welcome!)

Robyn said...

That sign has been in the window of Pog Mahones for quite some time. It's a few doors down from my hairdresser and it's been there the last two times I've had my hair done, so that's at least four months. It's a pity - Pog Mahones knew how to pull a good Guinness.