Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Grooming

Speaking of shoes, I came across this quote by Imelda Marcos (who, apparently, owns in excess of 7,000 pairs of shoes).

It is terribly important to do certain things, such as wear overembroidered dresses. After all, the mass follows class. Class never follows mass." -- cited in Ang Katipunan, October 1980

If one needs but one piece of fashion advice, 'Class never follows mass' would be it. At any point, the latest fashion suits about three people, and everyone else looks a damn fool. Looking one's best has nothing to do with fashion at all, indeed, looking one's best has very little to do with (good Lord – am I really about to write the following words!) spending money. It is about grooming. If you do not pay attention to the details, you will look slightly crap no matter how slavishly you follow the latest trends.

The following, I believe, are the Greatest Sins Against Looking One’s Best (gentlemen, you may find this intolerably dull. Feel free to go read the sports news).

Ill-fitting underwear. Bras need replacing every six months. They stretch. Stretch is not good, unless you like your breasts flopping around like a sack of kittens. Get properly fitted so one's cleavage is sitting high and proud, not hovering around one's midriff. Equally, bras that are too small will create back-fat. This makes one look as if one has cleavage front and back.

Scruffy shoes. If scuffed and the heels worn down, bin them. These details do get noticed.

Cracked heels. Slip-on mules are lovely, and one of my favourite styles. However, it is astonishing how many women leave their cracked and dry heels on display. Yuck. Get a pedicure, or at least, maintain one’s feet with Eulactol.

Chipped nail-polish. A flawless manicure can be hard work to maintain. If you can’t stay chip-free, opt for no nailpolish at all.

Too-small clothes. If your clothes keep riding up, and require constant tugging to keep them in their place, they are too small. Face the truth – you are a size bigger than the label says. Rearranging one’s clothes every few seconds makes you look self-conscious and awkward, and no doubt makes you feel that way, too.

6 comments:

unPC lesbian said...

Oh Mrs Smith to highlight the spending money point...I saw one of your ilk (tho I don't tar you with same brush) on the "spending show" last night...the "Baltic Bride" is assume, she was wearing Prada trousers that she was exclaiming over, they were HIDEOUS. What were they? They had a little cuff on the bottom a la jodhpurs were the right colour, but no baggy bits at the top. They had pockets on the side a la cargo's and tie bits round the middle but were too tight to be cargo's. They were skinny tight all the way down in the skinny jean fashion but of course wrong colour and style. An appalling mish mash, which of course just proves you can spend all the money in the world and still end up looking like white trash.

Seamonkey Madness said...

I have to say, I love a good pair of nice, voluptuous, kitten sacks.

Have to agree unpclesbian - money can't always buy style. Although, she did have a nice arse and those "cargo pants" were showing it off nicely.

I hope the rich guy she is rogering thinks his credit card bill is worth it.

Thesaurus said...

I agree with your listed crimes and would like to add one more. "Just because you can, doesn't mean you should." Adherence to this policy would save the rest of us from the entire mutton-dressed-as-lamb phenomenon as well as innumerable unmentionable sartorial crimes.
The gentleman caller of a friend of mine describes the spectacle of a woman wearing a too small bra and/or too tight clothing as a "caterpillar back." Quite an evocative description from a man who works with his hands...

unPC lesbian said...

ooh look and no one has yet mentioned all too common "camels foot" look with trousers that are too tight.

Mrs Smith said...

UnPC - I don't know what this 'spending show' is, but I know the Prada pants, and they are defiantly UGLY.

Seamonkey - your appreciation is noted, but the kittens shouldn't be allowed too much freedom.

Thesaurus - 'caterpillar back' is utterly perfect. I'm going to steal that expression, and pretend I thought of it.

unPC lesbian said...

Sorry Mrs S, I think it's called "Why We Buy", on Granny ONE on Mondays.

Oh please do report back on any gossip or feedback on the Gilda'd ones wee spot on the show.