I Spy With My Little Eye

With her partner’s connections to the movie industry, The Widow could play the starring role in "Basic Instinct: The Twilight Years." Although, surely she is old enough to know better than to leave the house, sans undergarments. Has the horrifying sight of Britney’s drooping lady-flower taught women nothing?

Like those primates that present an engorged bottom to prospective mates, The Widow hoisted up her skirt, spread her legs, and knocked back a glass of red wine. The poor man this action was directed at, had a coughing fit, and headed for the nearest door. "I’ll never be able to eat a mussel again," he wailed afterwards.

Far more horrifying, however, was the sight of a certain socially-ambitious couple slipping their phone number to Gilda Kirkpatrick, with the invitation to "Give us a call sometime. We’d love to catch up." Perhaps Gilda would, if she had any bloody idea who they were.