Wednesday, February 07, 2007


By the age of ten, I was already well-versed in various blow-job techniques.

My sister (somewhat older than I), had a stack of Cosmopolitan magazines in her room, and when she went out, I would spend furtive hours studying the articles on How To Please a Man. I believe every quizzical child should be made to read these things; the sealed sections (with graphic, colour photos of disease-ridden genitalia), guaranteed my virginity for many years.

Cosmopolitan also provided diet advice. I remember these diets, because my sister followed the Cosmopolitan regimen with a fervour that she failed to apply to any other aspect of her life. Breakfast was half a grapefruit, a slice of dry toast, and a cup of black coffee. Carrot sticks, or an apple for a snack. Lunch was half a cup of cottage-cheese and some grilled chicken; dinner a green salad (no dressing).

After her second child, my sister efficiently by-passed the effort entailed in chopping carrot sticks, and gave up eating almost entirely. A bottle of the purgative Ipecac in her bathroom cupboard, (purportedly there in case her children 'swallowed anything poisonous') was emptied and replaced with a regularity that indicated either her children were especially careless, or that she had discovered that one could actually have one’s cake and eat it too. As long as it was followed by a bout of vomiting.

My sister is far from unique. I used to know a staunchly feminist art-curator, who would disappear to the toilet after any meal, and return with watery-red eyes (she really needed to buy eye-drops, like everyone else); a top Auckland lawyer who actually lost weight during her pregnancy; the model who would proudly crow "I can eat whatever I want," when apparently whatever she wanted was prescription appetite suppressants, and celery.

The female members of my social group, can move food around their plates with such dexterity it actually looks like they are eating. It is an illusion of which David Copperfield would be proud. Mrs S's husband told her that the marriage is contingent on her maintaining her weight. She fears divorce proceedings are only ever a couple of kilograms away.

I suppose I am expected to add something sage and empowering now. Write how we women should all eat whatever we want, accept ourselves for what we are, and be happy.

It would be an elegant way to end this, but it would also be utter bull-shit.

The End.


Krimsonlake said...

Women should be able to eat whatever they want, without having to purge. They should also be able to do that without gaining any unwanted weight.

That's what should happen. But it isn't what actually happens. Which is just wrong.

The person who invents the all you can eat and never get a bit on the tubby side diet would kick Bill Gate's financial arse.

Martha said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Martha said...

I deleted that because I sounded like a nerd.

Amanda said...

So So true.

Anonymous said...

>The person who invents the all you can eat and never get a bit on the tubby side diet would kick Bill Gate's financial arse.

They already have, its called excercise.

Cactus Kate said...

That's it, you've nailed it. Those scrawny housewives actually don't eat what they play with.

Which is also why their husbands end up leaving them regardless of how skinny they are....

Anonymous said...

Oh Cactus..
You have excelled yourself!!!

george said...

My wife attended college in the USA for 4 years. During one recent idle moment I asked her what scent or smell she associated with the place [thinking ivy, cedar woods, leather etc] Straight away she answered "the smell of puke in the women's dorms after meal times"

Hell's bells girls. Why are you so insecure?

I recall the story of the model from the Ford Agency stable who was making money like George Sorros, career going crazy, money, clothes, jewels, parties, thing lacking-no dates. She put on 10lb and men started asking her out.

If I wanted to go out with something that wore their ribs outside I would go for a walk with a rabbiter's dog.

d-man said...

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

Krimsonlake said...

"They already have, its called excercise."

It mustn't be really catching on then. Ya know, with all these women not eating all the junk food they like.
Or it's not working off the junk food efficiently. Because I hear those 'anorexic' models tend to exercise too.
Which is also just wrong.

Exercise AND not eating as much as you like whenever you like. It's a goddamned tragedy!

Gman said...

That has to be the greatest blog-post opening line of all time.

Gman (not d-man)

Mrs Smith said...

Exercise? Oh really! How profoundly non-witty (Ignore such comments, dear Krimson. I do. Not worth the calorific expenditure of responding.)

Thanks, Gman (have I made the mistake of addressing you as Dman? Shame on me if I have). Shamefully, I knew it would be the only way of making one's male visitors read a post about dieting.

George. You intrigue me.

nzdanboy said...

Dieting, not at all interested, because I actually prefer women that have shape and can't run away from me.

But please Mrs Smith, do divulge more on the blow job technigues...

Oh yes and of course I am here via the deliciously curvacious Lisa

Mrs Smith said...

Forgive my cynicism, NZDanBoy, but men who say they prefer women with 'shape,' still let their eyeballs fall out of their face and roll around on the floor at the sight of every svelte, long-legged beauty they see (I should know. Happens everywhere I go).

The best blow-job advice I can give, is that it is just like playing tennis.

Practise makes perfect.

Krimsonlake said...

Mrs Smith: I suspect we may be talking about the kind of 'shape' that celebs like Beyonce and J Lo claim. You know, how they represent 'bigger' women because of their curves?

Which really just means skinny with awesome tits:-)

Mrs Smith said...

Krimson - what has happened to your blog?

Krimsonlake said...

I'm having a reinvention tanty. I'll be back, blogging my little heart out, but I'm not sure whether it will be at the old blog or a new one. I'm unstable and occasionally abandon 'projects' in favour of newness and change.

Cactus Kate said...

How precious and arty Krimson

llew said...

"The best blow-job advice I can give, is that it is just like playing tennis"

Is this advice intended for the giver or the receiver?