Monday, November 19, 2007


Bloody hell! Sitting around the house doing nothing is dull work! What do beneficiaries do all day? If it's what I'm (not) doing, no wonder they all look so angry. I am sick of watching movies, although, while watching one of the Deathwish movies I recorded on MySky, I have decided I want a set of vintage 1970s Gucci luggage (Charles Bronson’s girlfriend had a set). Have scoured the internet for hours for a picture, but to no avail. This handbag is the closest I can find to the look.

Not quite right. The set I want is canvas (un-monogrammed, natch).

Boredom also means smoking far too many cigarettes, which is bad, as the information sheet states that smoking inhibits the healing process. The sheet also has an omission – it says that after surgery one "should not smoke for nine consecutive." Nine consecutive what? I decided it meant nine minutes, so lit up as soon as I got home (at which the leaking begun, which probably served me right).

Wanted fruit on the weekend, so drove to a supermarket on the outskirts of Auckland, far from the prying eyes and gabby mouths of those I know and loathe. Thank goodness for the fashion of giant sunglasses! Personally, I hate the look, but had bought a pair from World anyway, as knew they would do the job of covering most of my leaky face. Proved difficult selecting produce with them on, though, so had to take them off.

Goodness, what a load of impolite stare-bears reside outside the confines of the civilised world. How people gaped in open interest! I am certain they thought I had a contagious skin disease, as they shunned any produce section I ventured near. I coughed into my hand a few times before touching the fruit, just to really scare them.

Have also informed Mr Smith that should I run into anyone I know, I shall have to tell them he beat me, because of course, the first rule of Surgery Club, is you never talk about Surgery Club.

Thought of the Day; One day, when mini surgery theatres are operating in all the malls across the Western World, wrinkles will be The Next Big Thing. The Fashionable Set will be having crows-feet implants. You read it here first.


unPC lesbian said...

Oh Mrs Smith, I'm absolutely green with envy.

I have recently discovered back neck wrinkles and I could not understand how they got there, especially as I have kept my skin lily, no, day-glo white.....however I snuck out for a run while the extra personal personal trainer was sleeping yesterday, and have now discovered the cause of the back neck wrinkles.

I think in future it's back to the treadmill indoors....or wear one of those beekeeping outfits if I run outside.

Lita said...

Nooo!! I thought for sure you wouldn't resort to this until the crows feet required their own pedi.

Who'd have thunk it, Mrs Smith went BoHo. I hope you are recovering ok. Porn, booze and cigs are my cure-alls for anything post doctor/dentist. Fuck all good for your health, but thats not really the point.

I'm not saying never, I'm just waiting until I am a peculiar looking 50yo.

Amanda said...

Funny that you went to a skanky suburb to go shopping! You should do internet shopping next time.

Anonymous said...

Mrs Smith, Amanda's right, woolworths online. Then you can scare the hell out of the delivery guy!
I heard there are two rules in LA. The first is; no-one has ever had plastic surgery; and the second, dont ever tell a jewish joke.

Mrs Smith said...

UnPc - more evidence that exercise is bad for you.

Lita - You are made of sterner stuff than I.

Amanda & Anony - Unfortunately, I am very, very fussy about my fruit, and must select it myself. Bananas must be green (but not too much so), even a tinge of brown on the skin renders the item inedible to me. Strawberries must pass the sniff test, etc. Anyway - I had run out of Charles Bronson movies to watch, so needed something to do.

Anonymous said...

Love the Fight Club reference.

More importantly love the blog. You write fantastically

Anonymous said...

Hey, I started starebear phrase - circa 1980. Love the blog.

laughykate said...

The reason they stared was because they would have thought you were a rock star with ya big sunnies on indoors.

d-man said...

Surgery club? Is that the same sort of thing as Dungeons & Dragons club?

Anonymous said...

Gracious. I have a dried up puddle on my path that's deeper and more meaningful.

Mrs Smith said...

Anonymous - is your comment meant to provoke hot tears of shame? Should I sobbingly type out all the reasons why I am really not as shallow as you imagine? Pooh. You've missed your mark entirely.

Mark said...

Hey Anonymous (why are all the assholes on the internet named "Anonymous"?) - if that puddle is dried up, it's no longer a puddle, is it?

What a dumbass.