Saturday, March 31, 2007


They were moaning again about the Russian/Iranian forces that have invaded Auckland, and occupied the beds and wallets of the most eligible men.

One in particular (the Baltic Bride) was being mauled.

"She has a big reputation," said one.
"What does that mean?" I asked, knowing full well what it meant (this particularly unimaginative flavour of gossip is very common, and attaches itself to a surprising number of women in the public eye).
"Oh, big," someone laughed.
"She was a prostitute in Sydney," Ms V hissed in my ear.
I hate this kind of faux-morality. "The only difference between prostitutes and half the women in Auckland," I hissed back, "is that the prostitutes are smart enough to get paid for it."
"They had a dinner-party. She claimed to have done all the cooking herself. But someone saw the catering truck outside when they arrived."

Mr Smith and I were lying in bed later, and I repeated the catering truck story.
"I don’t think so," he said.
"It sounds like the kind of thing someone would have said as a joke. Now it's being re-told as the truth."

It seemed shamefully obvious - it was like the Emperor's New Clothes; with a few words, amusing certainty was revealed in its nakedness to be nothing more than a spiteful fiction. Not that I have anything against spiteful fiction; I enjoy Rachael Glucina’s column most weekends, but the Baltic Bride doesn’t deserve it.

Women are dangerous creatures. The POGs want her gone, and they won't let an insignificant thing like the truth get in their way. Slowly but surely, the Baltic Bride is being eroded away. One day, she will just disappear.

Unless I do something.


Cactus Kate said...

Hmmm. Smith you obviously have a conflict of interest. Are you milking a Baltic bride for free lunches/champagne/social status?

Personally I completely understand why they leave the Baltic's. Never have I seen a race of people with such beautiful women yet such butt ugly men. The disparity is completely unexplainable.

Mrs Smith said...

While it is nice you have been paing attention, Cactus, it is irksome that my self-interest could be so apparent.

Nonetheless - I have decided there is no pleasure in picking on such an easy target; it is much more fun taking on someone who fights back. I am sure you agree ;)

llew said...

So this Baltic chick - she hot?

I've decided that question is going to be every second comment I make from now on, regardless of the subject.

Cactus Kate said...


These Baltic beasts are used to living around bombs dropping, tyres burning in the streets, watching their relatives die and mafia gangs.

Your sympathy is misplaced. They are much tougher and devious than they look.

I like watching them fight with the POGs over men who are in all likelihood, not really worth it - unless you want what both sector groups want, the $$.

Mrs Smith said...

Llew - very hot.
Cactus - benefits to helping out BB: 1.Would annoy the POGs; 2.already earned me an invitation to stay on yacht at Valencia; 3.will make me a better person. Probably not 3 really, but thought I should add it in.

Cactus Kate said...

So she's forgiven you for the cigarette incident then?

Mrs Smith said...

Either that, or she plans on dumping my body out in the open ocean.